Everyday as I read my e-mails (or fan mail, as I like to call it), as I watch TV and read websites, like I said a couple articles ago, "Thoughts run through my mind". I find myself at times laughing to and at myself. I jot down notes for things that I want to write about. Sometimes I submit articles and think, "God, that was awful." "Please let the server get a virus and crash before I lose what little dignity I have left." Somehow, the ones I hate the most are the ones that get the best replies. Maybe I am too hard on myself?
My good friend Lisa (whom I have never met), told me that my words and writings, especially for the soon to be released "Chicken Soup for the Soul of Auto Racing", these words would reach many people and could effect how they go about their lives. Side note: Right now, you are thinking one of two things. 1) How could Lisa be his friend if he never met her? Answer: E-mail. 2) Who's idea was the word "whom"? It sounds like someone is clearing their throat. "whom... hoooommmmm, ack, hack...". Sorry...Ok, where was I?
Ah yes, Could my words and writings have an effect on people? Maybe I could throw in send money subliminal messages and get people Rob is great to support my ways of thinking. I could start my own religion and call it "ROBISM". Hey, this could be good stuff.
Oops, this was supposed to be an article about testing and the off season. Ok. Speaking of testing, I was in the men’s room today screaming at the urinal and I got thinking about product testing. I wondered what it would be like to be the guy whose job is to test urinals. What qualifies someone for this position? What college courses do you take? Can you imagine the dialogue with the career counselor at the school?
Counselor: So, Mr. Faiella, Have you decided on a career path?
RF: Urinals
Counselor: Excuse me?
RF: Urinals, I want to test urinals. I have been peeing my whole life, I want to eat, sleep and drink.. well.. I know a lot about it and want to put it to good use.
Right now you are thinking, "Why was he yelling at the urinal?"
It’s simple. The urinals at work have remote sensors on them. When you walk away, they flush. Or at least that is the theory. Ours at work decide to flush at will, usually while you are still standing there and with more force than Niagara Falls in rainy season. Result: Unacceptable splashing.
So, as I yelled out, "Damn it, why can’t you wait until I am done? Is it too difficult for you? Are you that impatient or that sadistic?", everyone already in there got up and left and those walking in turned and made the "Oh I forgot something" look and ran out. I have reported the issue to maintenance and hope they fix it soon.
So, who tests these things? Why can’t they be set to be more accurate? Why do we need 10,000 pounds of force to flush these things? I liked the simple days, with a mechanical toilet and no "Robot Urinals of Destruction." Side note: Anyone starting a rock band anytime soon, Robot Urinals of Destruction is a guaranteed top selling name.
However, toilets can be very dangerous too. Although, my sister’s toilet actually saved her marriage. Speaking of my sister, she sent me an e-mail a few weeks back telling me about the flat tire she got. She was very proud in the fact that she and her neighbor changed this tire and she was able to drive away. However, she did do the smart thing and drove straight to the race shop of the team I work for and had them double-check her work.
(If you need to go pee, go now, this is far from over) (All that talk about pee made me have to go)
Her e-mail went something like this: (Editors note: things in parentheses are my comments and weren’t part of the original e-mail)
Brother Bob,
(She is the only one who gets away with calling me Bob)
What a crappy day this started out as. I went to leave for work and I was running late, couldn’t get my hair right. (She spends at least 2 hours a day on "the hair") I ran out the door and I had a freakin’ flat tire. Doug (her husband) wasn’t home and I had a big meeting at work (She is a computer geek) that I couldn’t miss so I decided to do it myself. Karen across the street came over to help me. (Karen’s last name is actually Waggoner, however, my family has affectionately called her "Karen across the street" for many years. This aids us in not confusing her with the 100 or so other Karen’s in the neighborhood of which there actually are none.) So, Karen and I decided that we are women of the new millennium and we can handle this. I open the rear compartment and get out the jack. This jack is about as big as my hand and I have an SUV. We jack up the truck, 2000 pumps later, where is the one pump Nascar jack when you need it? Then we go looking for the 4-way lug nut wrench. Guess what? Don’t have one. I start thinking; man I wish I had one of those zzzmmm zzzzmmm thingys like Nascar. (I love my sister). I finally realize that the jack handle has a thing built into it to take of the lug nuts. Then I realize that the lugs don’t loosen well with the truck in the air. So, down goes the jack. Back to the lug nuts. Still wishing I had a zzzmm zzzzmmm thingy. I get the lugs off and we jack the truck all 2000 pumps, back up. Tire comes off, new tire on. Still no zzzmm zzzzmm thingy. We put the lugs on and tighten them, lower the jack and finish tightening them. All this while in a dress mind you. You guys have it made with all those fancy thingys in Nascar.
Love,
Chele
Maybe I’ll buy her a zzzmm zzzzmmm thingy for Christmas. Now, I know what you are thinking, "How did a toilet save her marriage?" It is quite simple. As any of you who have ever been involved in wedding planning knows, it is hell. The family was pulling and pushing and my sister and Doug were at nerve’s end. Doug and Michele got into an argument a week before the wedding and let all their pent up aggression out and were ready to call the whole thing off. Seeing as how I just spent $140 on a tux, this was not an option. Oh yeah, and I love them.. blah blah blah..
My sister was crying and I needed to talk with her to cheer her up and get her to talk with Doug and patch things up. I also had to pee. So, I went to the bathroom and the strangest of things happened. I left the bathroom, told her the story, she laughed so hard and it got her in a better mood. Her and Doug talked, the wedding was saved and all is good.
What happened in the bathroom? I was chewing gum at the time and while I was peeing I decided that I had had enough of the gum. So, I spit it out. The problem was, it stuck to the end of my tongue. So, I lean over and I have my tongue out and I am pushing the gum with my teeth, the gum finally falls off and hits the water. At that exact moment, physics and gravity stood still. The splash generated from the gum came straight back at an amazing force hitting the tip of my tongue that was still hanging out. I won’t go into the rest of the details, but it was not a pleasant moment in my life.
Ah yes, testing!. Who cares? Until the official testing begins in January at Daytona, everything else is moot. Now if The Learning Channel was showing "Urinal testing: A study of technology", I might be interested.
Until next time, thanks and keep reading!
Rob